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Author Topic: Pyramid Patrol 2019/20  (Read 13912 times)

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JCFC

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Re: Pyramid Patrol 2019/20
« Reply #150 on: Sun 19 Jan 2020 17:53 »
   ..... four or five trains and a bus should get you there.

A Friday journey (1 bus and 2 trains) to an overnight stay in Reading meant that only two buses were required to reach

Episode 13
Saturday 18th January 2020
FA Vase 4th Round Replay
Binfield   3   v   3   Deal Town
John Pike (Hurstpierpoint); Anthony Andrews, Daniel D'Urso.

There was a Rebellion in the clubhouse, perhaps prompted by the relatively small amount of change from a fiver compared with more usual offerings at Glossop, Penistone etc. The officials were already well into their brew over 100 minutes before kick-off. No promising youngster in charge this time: Mr Pike was an older gentleman with a slightly odd mien, though still no rival for JCFC in either respect. Had a third category - florid countenance - been introduced, Mr Pike would have won hands down. Mr Andrews was of regulation appearance, with immaculately trimmed hair, while Mr D'Urso was shorter and sturdier.

As ever JCFC had an eye on bus times (16.56 to Wokingham from Church Lane) and Mr Pike earned Brownie points by getting proceedings under way slightly early. On 8 minutes the ball was lifted across to the right, clearing the full back, and as the Deal keeper came out to block, a sliding challenge by the attacker beat him to the ball and the rebound was tapped in to give Binfield the lead. There was the odd protest to Mr D'Urso claiming a foul on the keeper, but the fact that the goalie did not join in suggests that Mr Pike was correct to award the goal. Deal's attack relied heavily on the pace of their number 7, who presented a constant threat. They soon had a shot deflected onto the post by one of their own men and were foiled again when a poor back-pass left them free, the keeper rushing to block and the rebound rolling just wide. There seemed to be little pattern as to which pushes and holding Mr Pike chose to penalise, but the Binfield number 10 was rightly warned for a foul. An even more obvious foul by the Binfield number 8 was correctly penalised and incorrectly disputed by its perpetrator. Shortly afterwards both number 8s were called for a word of warning. Midway through the half the Deal keeper made a splendid save, which acquired greater significance on 35 minutes when Deal equalised, amidst Binfield protests that there had been a handball in the build-up - protests that were repeated by both player and management at the half-time whistle.

Mr Pike's Brownie points slipped away at half-time: the players were out ready to start in good time; the officials were not, the interval being nearly two minutes too long as a result. The prospects of the 16.56 receded, but there was always the 17.07 from the Stag and Hounds. The delay did allow the Binfield boss the opportunity to inform the assembled populace that the referee had been bad for both sides. Two minutes into the second half the Deal left back attempted a straightforward header, but succeeded only in looping it inside onto the head of an attacker, who rather more effectively headed his side into the lead once more. Mr Pike reminded JCFC of referees from the 1960s and his stock fell on 55 minutes: the home number 10 protested when the number 8 was correctly penalised and then dribbled the ball away, then tapped it still further away - Mr Pike took no action. Binfield hit the bar on 62 minutes, but Deal equalised on 68 minutes, the home keeper unable to hold onto a low shot, recovering well to block the rebound but ultimately failing to keep the ball out. There were a number of injuries in the closing stages - one caused by a push from a team-mate onto an opponent - and the 17.07 looked unlikely as Mr Pike rightly allowed five additional minutes. In the end it was irrelevant as the game went to extra time. It would have to be the 17.42 from the Stag.

The teams got ready and lined up for extra time - but Mr Pike (by now having earned the addition of "The wretched") and his colleagues were nowhere to be seen, having retired to the changing rooms. JCFC is normally very quiet, but could not refrain from expressing his disapproval to the wretched man. In total eight minutes elapsed before things got under way again. The 17.42 was in danger - but there was always the 17.48 from nearby Church Lane. Binfield came closer in the first period, the Deal keeper just managing to grab the ball at the second attempt. Deal went ahead on 108 minutes - Mr Pike having allowed a good advantage - but Binfield came back, winning a couple of corners in quick succession before they scrambled the equaliser. Another scramble in the Deal goalmouth in the closing minute was eventually cleared.

Penalties meant that the 17.42 was out of the question, but the 17.48 was still on the cards. Inevitably there was a natural delay as the teams sorted themselves out and, with the first taker and keeper in position, an unnatural delay as Mr Pike faffed about in the centre circle. He's probably a very nice man, but by now had really roused JCFC's anger. Binfield went first and it was saved, so too Deal's second. Deal's third was skied and the Binfield sub needed only to score his side's fifth to seal the win, but his shot, too, was saved and Deal made it 3-3. There followed a curiously similar pattern of events: a good goal from each side, a less convincing one each, and a save each. The ninth kick for Binfield was taken by the keeper, who only just scored as did the next Deal taker, the keeper again coming close. The 17.48 was by now gone. There followed two saves and it was the turn of the final player from each side; the Binfield man skied the ball wildly, leaving the Deal keeper to seal victory at 7-6 with a decent shot.

The game as a whole had been entertaining, though perhaps low on quality. Binfield's was the better of two very shaky defences, but Deal had the better attacking ideas. They were the pleasanter of the two sides, so it was pleasing that they emerged the winners. It is hard to think that they will pose much of a threat to Consett in the next round - a prediction that is bound to backfire. Mr Pike will be unlikely to cross JCFC's path again, a situation which all can view with equanimity.

The road back to the Stag and Hounds was narrow, unlit, had no pavement and was busy with traffic coming at speed in the opposite direction as well as the many cars leaving the ground. Fortunately (some might disagree) JCFC survived and was in time for the 18.14 bus to Bracknell. Give me Morpeth any time to this lethal spot - Craik Park, all is forgiven!



« Last Edit: Sun 19 Jan 2020 18:04 by JCFC »
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JCFC

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Re: Pyramid Patrol 2019/20
« Reply #151 on: Wed 22 Jan 2020 11:35 »
"Cloches d'enfer" (as the French don't say) was the expression that escaped from JCFC's lips on reading that for the third time this season he was about to watch Cristiana Hattersley in action. Your correspondent may be old and feeble of mind, but something about the officials did not look quite right. It was quite possible that Ms Hattersley had opted for a short haircut; it was not inconceivable that over-indulgence in Christmas pud - and maybe left-over mince pies - had resulted in her gaining several stones; but the beard? No, that could not be explained away. Fortunately a helpful young club official confirmed that she had cried off that afternoon, while the silver thatch confirmed that AR2 was another late replacement at

Tuesday 21st January 2020
NWCFL Division 1N
Golcar United   5   v   3   Nelson
Matt Clarke (Bury); Alex Beeley, Peter Binks.

Pitch problems meant that this was Golcar's first home game since October 8th and the crowd of 268 was just half that on that occasion, but highly creditable nevertheless in the context of this division. The surface was indeed soft and uneven, but perfectly playable and an excellent evening's entertainment was the result.

The teams set off at a frenetic pace: twice in the first two minutes Nelson fired in a shot from the right, only for it to be blocked at the far post and rebound to the stranded keeper. On 7 minutes Nelson again came close, with a shot against the bar. There were some rustic challenges: Mr Clarke allowed advantage for one by Golcar's number 5 on 11 minutes, calling "Wait for the next stoppage" to Nelson players protesting; wait we all did, but when it came there was the briefest of rebukes rather than the possible card. Nelson were happy a minute later, though, as yet another angled shot from the right evaded the keeper and this time there was nobody to clear it off the line. Mr Clarke did produce a yellow card - absolutely correctly - for the home number 4, whose deliberate trip stopped a budding attack. Golcar, however, worked their way back into the game, equalising with a header on 20 minutes. The Nelson keeper did well to tip a header from a corner over his bar, but Golcar scored their second on the half hour. The yellow card came out again, this time for the Golcar number 8, for a reckless challenge that fortunately missed its target. On 45 minutes the ball was scrambled over the Nelson goal-line before the keeper dragged it back and tried to play on - but Mr Binks had already made the correct decision and was on his way back upfield. On the way off at half time, there was a brief approach to Mr Clarke from the Golcar number 8 and a more prolonged one from the Nelson boss.

The second half began like the first, with Nelson on top, a corner being cleared off the line. On 52 minutes the Golcar keeper parried a firm shot and Nelson were quicker to react, to score their second. The equaliser soon followed, scrambled in after yet another corner. Once again, though, Golcar worked their way into the half, twice creating good chances but just unable to get the necessary touch. They went ahead again on 66 minutes and on 71 minutes good skills in a move down their left were followed by a badly miscued pass inside, rescued by an attacker with a great turn and shot for goal number 5. In the next Golcar attack Nelson's defenders got into all sorts of self-inflicted difficulties, mistakes ending with the keeper having to dash out and bring down the attacker just outside the penalty area. Mr Clarke was quick to show the red card and an outfield player had to don the gloves, though not greatly tested subsequently. Nelson missed a great chance in added time, and Golcar blasted over to end the match. There were handshakes aplenty for the officials at the end, though poor Mr Binks had missed many of them by the time he arrived on the scene.

It had been a good, solid evening's work from Mr Clarke, though perhaps not one with a great deal of pizazz. His movement was maybe a shade ponderous at times, but we shall attribute that to the condition of the pitch on this occasion. His triage, though, was sound - and the game proved most enjoyable for the spectators.

The bus timetable has been changed, so there was a wait of over half an hour, but after a walk up the hill, refuge (and toilets!) could be found in the Junction One "Wine Bar" where JCFC received rather more change for his Misty Morning than had been the case at Binfield.
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JCFC

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Re: Pyramid Patrol 2019/20
« Reply #152 on: Sat 25 Jan 2020 18:25 »
ITV's Tipping Point is a game/quiz show for the more intellectually challenged, which explains why JCFC is often to be found watching it. On Monday there starred as one of the contestants a Bingo Hall manager from Bradford. "Starred" is perhaps an overstatement; though he came across as a pleasant chap, he made a series of questionable choices and was eliminated in the first round. It was to be hoped that his decision-making would be better when he stepped out to referee

Saturday 25th January 2020
NCEFL Premier
Liversedge   10   v   1   Handsworth
Darius Bradley (Bradford); Elliot Shiers, Ronan Coller-Booth

And fortunately it was! As seen on TV, Mr Bradley is tall, slim and dark-haired; Mr Shiers a shade less tall, less slim and impressively dark bearded, having transferred his hair to his chin. Mr Coller-Booth, too, is less tall, somewhat stockier than when first seen several years ago and fairer of hair.

There was little to trouble the officials,though Mr Shiers did contribute some appropriate flags for fouls in his vicinity. Sedge went ahead after two minutes, forced the keeper into a decent save soon afterwards,  added a second on the quarter hour and a third on 31 minutes.

On 52 minutes the Handsworth keeper claimed the ball, missed it completely and though the first shot was blocked by a defender, goal number four came at the second attempt. Goal number five soon followed, from a long ball from the keeper. There was a moment of excitement for Handsworth on the hour, when the home goalie failed to hold the ball, but the shot was deflected for a corner. 63 minutes produced goal number 6, with a yellow card for the home number 4 for a foul a minute later. The free-kick was excellent, but so was the Sedge keeper's leaping save. The next quarter of an hour produced four further goals for Sedge, but a goal for the visitors on 83 minutes meant that they could at least claim to have won the last ten minutes.

It was a straightforward outing for Mr Bradley, who handled the game well, in a relatively quiet way, offering little for the Observer to quibble at. His movement was good enough, but with little engagement of reverse gear. And unlike Monday's programme, he lasted the distance!

The haggis has been simmering away, the tatties wait to be champit and the neeps bashed, so fortunately there was little need for a long post!
« Last Edit: Sat 25 Jan 2020 18:38 by JCFC »

Microscopist

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Re: Pyramid Patrol 2019/20
« Reply #153 on: Sun 26 Jan 2020 23:40 »
Quote
The haggis has been simmering away, the tatties wait to be champit and the neeps bashed, so fortunately there was little need for a long post!
Ah yes, Alloway Burns Club has a rather genteel membership, it doesn't have a Burns Supper rather preferring an  "Anniversary Dinner". Yesterday evening the "reply for the lassies" was not to everyone's taste.  On the way home my BLFG asked whether I thought that it was too risqué.  Well, it did include an impersonation of Victoria Wood's "Let's do it" and with one clever pause whilst describing cosmetic products caused the young lady on the opposite side to me from my BLFG to help fill the gap with a word that rhymed with "granny".  For the avoidance of doubt neither the minister nor his wife were present, though two ministers in training did provide part of the entertaining - including a very animated "Holy Willie's Prayer".  Meanwhile the young gentleman visiting from Hong Kong looked suitably inscrutable throughout, but then he had just won the Hamper in the raffle.
It was certainly the talk of the steamie this morning.

Whistleblower

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Re: Pyramid Patrol 2019/20
« Reply #154 on: Wed 29 Jan 2020 09:08 »
I note the absence of the Minister's wife though most clerics' wives of my experience could more than match the "reply for the lassies" to say nothing of the clerical husbands and partners of my acquaintance.

Microscopist

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Re: Pyramid Patrol 2019/20
« Reply #155 on: Wed 29 Jan 2020 10:19 »
Indeed Whistleblower, but we are Presbyterians!  However, not so bad as Methodist minister from my teens - the Rev Black - who with his family walked out of the church pantomime because "there were men dressed up as women".
I recall you saying a little while ago that you were taught to "speak as you find".  My Dad in his youth used to transport the Rev Donald Soper to Tower Hill on a Wednesday to preach to the crowds.  He would tell me that the Rev Soper (referring to the man in the pulpit but interpreted by both Dad and I to cover all people who placed themselves in positions of authority) said that if we disagreed with them we must tell them so.  I first applied this principle to the said Rev Black after he had decided that the Scouts should be locked out of the church hall.  I have, by and large, continued to be so.  Shortly before he died I bought my Dad a copy of "The Last Wesleyan" a biography of Donald Soper.  He reminded me of his advice and I replied "Aye, Dad but you didn't tell me that it doesn't make you very popular".
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JCFC

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Re: Pyramid Patrol 2019/20
« Reply #156 on: Wed 29 Jan 2020 10:25 »
Never mind, Microscopist, you are very popular with us.

Dr Donald Soper certainly had no qualms about speaking his mind from what I remember of him.

Whistleblower

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Re: Pyramid Patrol 2019/20
« Reply #157 on: Wed 29 Jan 2020 12:05 »
Never mind, Microscopist, you are
 very popular with us
Dr Donald Soper certainly had no qualms about speaking his mind from what I remember of him.

Amen to that

Whistleblower

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Re: Pyramid Patrol 2019/20
« Reply #158 on: Wed 29 Jan 2020 12:18 »
Indeed Whistleblower, but we are Presbyterians!  However, not so bad as Methodist minister from my teens - the Rev Black - who with his family walked out of the church pantomime because "there were men dressed up as women".
I recall you saying a little while ago that you were taught to "speak as you find".  My Dad in his youth used to transport the Rev Donald Soper to Tower Hill on a Wednesday to preach to the crowds.  He would tell me that the Rev Soper (referring to the man in the pulpit but interpreted by both Dad and I to cover all people who placed themselves in positions of authority) said that if we disagreed with them we must tell them so.  I first applied this principle to the said Rev Black after he had decided that the Scouts should be locked out of the church hall.  I have, by and large, continued to be so.  Shortly before he died I bought my Dad a copy of "The Last Wesleyan" a biography of Donald Soper.  He reminded me of his advice and I replied "Aye, Dad but you didn't tell me that it doesn't make you very popular".


Ah, the Presbyterians, rather an affection for metrical psalms if I remember from my occasional attendance at Presbyterian funerals. As a child I too was raised in the Methodist ( Wesleyan ) tradition so the names of Dr Soper together with Dr Sangster and Dr Weatherhead were occasionally heard by my young ears. I don't think I ever come across the Reverend Black but there were plenty others of his kind which is no doubt a determining reason for my abandoning Methodism and becoming a High Anglican.

I believe that there was a a cleric who was a Football League referee after the war, the Revd. S V Davis and some vague recollection informs me that he may have been a Methodist minister. Upton also recalls a cleric at the beginning of the twentieth century  the Revd. J W Marsh. Whither another ?There was also a Scottish League referee, more recently, who took Holy Orders but I sort of recollect he fell on evil times.

Microscopist

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Re: Pyramid Patrol 2019/20
« Reply #159 on: Wed 29 Jan 2020 12:25 »
Quote
Never mind, Microscopist, you are very popular with us.
Thank you, would that the high heidyins in 121 George Street felt the same >:(

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Re: Pyramid Patrol 2019/20
« Reply #160 on: Wed 29 Jan 2020 12:26 »
...and as has been mentioned on RTR before, a Football League referee of many years standing, Ken Baker, took Holy Orders in the Church of England after he ceased being a FL referee and I believe was given the recognition of an Honorary Canonry and so became the Revd. Canon Ken Baker.  He was a strict disciplinarian of a referee, as befitted his then profession as a Police Officer and I wonder if he kept his congregations similarly on the straight and narrow ?

JCFC

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Re: Pyramid Patrol 2019/20
« Reply #161 on: Sun 02 Feb 2020 14:03 »
Since the debacle against lowly Ossett on New Year's Day, Brighouse's form had improved - a win against Runcorn Linnets, a narrow defeat by high-flying Ramsbottom and a creditable away draw against Marine, all three above them in the table. It was therefore with a measure of optimism that JCFC arrived for

Saturday 1st February 2020
NPL Division 1NW
Brighouse Town   0   v   2   Widnes
Wayne Cooper (Sheffield); Adam Warner, Matthew Malton.

During the week, the club had announced their manager's 53rd signing of the season SO FAR. The programme contained a further surprise: JCFC had been aware when Mr Cooper was promoted to Level 3 this season that he was not in the up-and-coming bracket, but the information that he was 49 was unexpected - as was his professed love of poker. Mr Warner was into darts (better than darts into Mr Warner) while words failed the shy Mr Malton.

Widnes started with a blustery wind behind them, penning Brighouse deep in their own half. The excellent Widnes number 11 immediately proved himself a handful and on 6 minutes a tricky run into the area ended when an outstretched Brighouse leg brought him down. The penalty was duly awarded, to minimal protest, and though the keeper saved well, Widnes were first to the ball to fire home and take the lead. Number 11 continued to cause problems, but inspired by the penalty, he developed difficulty in staying upright. The wind abated and Brighouse did manage to find their way into the Widnes half, without ever creating anything resembling a chance. All the creativity was coming from Widnes, who were unfortunate to see a defender arrive from nowhere to clear a tap-in to safety on 26 minutes. Mr Cooper had occasion to speak to the Town bosses after protests and Widnes again came close just before the break, the ball once more being cleared off the line, this time from a corner.

Thoughts that Brighouse would come out fighting at the start of the second half were wide of the mark, as their lacklustre play continued. They did have a long-range effort onto the top of the net on the hour mark, but immediately it was the home keeper who had to dive to prevent ... an own-goal. Mr Cooper had a slight quandary when one spectator's repeated critical advice drew an offensive gesture, an even more offensive comment and a threat to see him afterwards - the implication being that it would not be for a small sherry. The spectator in question was a teammate's dad and Mr Cooper wisely had a moment of deafness and a failure of eyesight. There was a caution for a Widnes foul, a chance for the visitors went begging, followed by a shot against the post a minute later and a caution for a Brighouse foul. On 76 minutes a Widnes player made contact with the ball, but followed through and raised his studs into a home player. The free-kick was awarded, but not the card the offence appeared to warrant (yellow, rather than the red home fans demanded) as players arrived to initiate a general scuffle.  The result was merely a protracted to lecture to the two most prominent citizens. Brighouse created their first (and last) real opening on 84 minutes, but fired the shot over the bar. This proved too much for the poor floodlights, as all but the two pylons in opposite corners failed. Had there been longer to play, Mr Cooper would have had to take the players off, but there was just sufficient light for play to continue ... and then the remaining lights went out in added time. The match played out its final couple of minutes in deepening gloom, which perhaps explains why virtually everybody was laughing at what seemed an obvious dive, only to find Mr Cooper pointing to the spot.This time the penalty was converted without difficulty, to seal the three points Widnes thoroughly deserved.

The poor performance of the home side, and that is the charitable version, may have contributed somewhat to JCFC's rather jaundiced view of Mr Cooper's style of refereeing, which despite his endeavours never seemed to give any real sense of assurance, urgency and authority. He missed a couple of possible advantages, though in the case of the one for Brighouse he could rightly claim that they looked incapable of taking advantage of anything. A pretty dismal afternoon all round for JCFC, compounded by Stuart Hogg's dropped ball in Dublin.
« Last Edit: Tue 04 Feb 2020 09:36 by JCFC »

mutn3

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Re: Pyramid Patrol 2019/20
« Reply #162 on: Tue 04 Feb 2020 22:08 »
Matlock Town 4: 0 Radcliffe Borough
Att: 297
Referee Jamie O'Connor of Chesterfield

The last time I saw Jamie he was cricketing for Chesterfield ll at Queen's Park, and not a happy bunny.  Appointments,  he believed, hadn't been kind. 

Stick at it, I said for those that deserve will get. Maybe.

And four months later, here we are, at a right old ding dong at Causeway Lane.

A penalty appeal,  rightly not awarded caused a melee of aggrieved and put upon and voyeurs. A Matlock player hit the turf, quite possibly helped towards it by a stray forehead,  and Radcliffe were playing with ten. The dismissal was taken with the usual good grace of a broken interior glass door, as the Radcliffe player reacquainted himself with the Dressing Room layout.

Matlock , two to the good at half time finally strolled to a welcome 4:0 win.  Mr O'Connor did have his hands full though, and I didn't think any decision he made ( beyond perhaps being too close to a reckless first half challenge, and thus not seeing it) was out of order. 

There was an argument for slowing down the game over the many flashpoints,  but Mr O'Connor, if you do stall for four minutes over a red and a broken door, at least add the correct time on, and taking ninety seconds to drop a ball back into play tests more patience than just the players!

This was a tough examination. Calm and measured throughout,  but he could have improved upon some time management.  There's killing time, and there's KILLING TIME.

All in all, better than good.
Match difficulty 8/10
 


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JCFC

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Re: Pyramid Patrol 2019/20
« Reply #163 on: Sat 08 Feb 2020 06:58 »
Once again the long walk from station to ground ended on a narrow road with no pavements and ultimately no lighting. Fortunately, after my last experience a Young Lady Of My Acquaintance had presented me with a head torch, which lit the way to

Friday 7th February 2020
Thurlow Nunn Eastern Counties League Division 1 South
Wivenhoe Town   4   v   1   Frenford
Paul Sturton (Billericay);  Alfie Davidson, Richard Baker.

For those of the older generation the appellation (well, it's not really a name) "Alfie" calls to mind the rather simple Alfie Hall, the Clitheroe.Kid's sister's soppy boyfriend. Which assistant was which is uncertain - which is not to suggest that either could be described as soppy.

Wivenhoe went ahead in the second minute; Frenford responded well and had a shot tipped over the bar on 5 minutes and drew level on 8: a fierce shot was straight at the keeper, who could only palm it away for an attacker to finish the job. Claims for a Wivenhoe penalty on 17 minutes came more from the few spectators than from the players, but  Wivenhoe did go ahead after 35 minutes of a somewhat mundane encounter.

A home defender received a yellow card for a foul five minutes into the second half. A Wivenhoe substitution took an age, with a stand-off between assistant, who was not happy with the number 20 shirt and the manager who  claimed "We haven't got a number 13. Who has a number 13? Nobody! Eventually Mr Sturton had to trot back, shuffle the papers in his pocket and allow the substitution. On the hour Frenford saw a shot  pushed unconvincingly for a corner, but it was a corner at the other end just a minute later that produced a goal to extend Wivenhoe's lead. There soon followed a yellow for a foul by the Frenford number 5 and on 68 minutes a further corner produced Wivenhoe's fourth. There was to be one further caution - the home number 10 trying to head the ball while lying on the ground near the corner, missing and handling it instead. The card was not wrong, but was it absolutely necessary?

Mr Sturton is tall and slim, but his slightly stooped posture and unprepossessing  features  rather spoiled the effect. He had obviously forgotten his whistle and had to use one acquired many years ago in a Christmas cracker. That said he had little difficulty in handling the game and did so effectively, being well received at the final "peep", and the officials justifiably left the field in good humour.

Microscopist

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Re: Pyramid Patrol 2019/20
« Reply #164 on: Sat 08 Feb 2020 15:25 »
Quote
Fortunately, after my last experience a Young Lady Of My Acquaintance had presented me with a head torch, which lit the way to
Obviously a Young Lady of Sense and Sensibility.
Quote
For those of the older generation the appellation (well, it's not really a name) "Alfie" calls to mind the rather simple Alfie Hall, the Clitheroe.Kid's sister's soppy boyfriend. Which assistant was which is uncertain - which is not to suggest that either could be described as soppy.
My immediate thought was that it provided a ready made chant for spectators, courtesy of Cilla Black.