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Author Topic: Bobby Madley interview  (Read 2384 times)

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Referee99

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Bobby Madley interview
« on: Tue 31 Dec 2019 17:09 »
Mr Madley has opened up on why he left the

So to the end of the decade. A decade that saw the wonderful birth of a child and the sad loss of a father. One with personal highs and lows, just like everyone else I guess.

Professionally it’s been a decade of unimaginable highs and the lowest lows I could ever have imagined. Promotion to the Premier League following 3 red cards on debut at Southampton seems so long ago now. Progression to the FIFA International list followed and the opportunity to represent my country on the international stage, the highest achievement any referee can receive. A Community Shield between Arsenal and Chelsea at a full Wembley, a Championship Play Off Final with the added spice of a Yorkshire derby between Sheffield Wednesday and Hull City, 4th Official on the FA Cup Final, refereed the FA Youth Cup Final...in fact on the pitch it was a pretty successful decade on the whole. Today I sit and look at the medals and the footballs from those games in my living room and ask myself “where did it all go wrong?” The dream of not just being Fourth Official on the FA Cup Final, to lead my own team out at Wembley and achieve a lifetime ambition is one that was so close but will now only ever be a what could have been. It’s hard to accept and it has been a struggle to come to terms with that and many other things for 18 months now.

As the decade ends, I feel it’s time to let the past go now. Time to speak about what happened over the last 18 months that led me to reach the darkest places I’ve ever been to and places that I hope I never return to going forward.

I fully understand that there will be parts of what I write here that do not show me in the best light. Parts that I regret, that I should not have done and that I have always accepted responsibility for and apologised for.
When you read this I would like for you to ask yourself honestly just one question before making judgement of me...

‘Have I ever done that!’

I’m sure some may say no. I’m also certain that 95%+ will say actually yes I probably have in some closed WhatsApp group or chat with close trusted friends. Please bear this point in mind. It’s not an attempt to excuse anything I say later, it’s an attempt to explain and hopefully put things into the context I feel they deserve to be in.

It was reported when I left the Premier League in August 2018 that i had relocated for personal reasons. True to a degree. The personal reasons however were never confirmed.
The Guardian wrote a piece saying I had left and then at the end, quite randomly, stated that it may have something to do with a video I had posted on social media. This surprised me somewhat. Premier League referees are not allowed a social media account. No Twitter, no Facebook...so the idea of me posting on social media wasn’t even possible. Even so...Twitter did what Twitter does...at the possibility of a scandal it goes into meltdown and everyone becomes a detective. Rumours began to appear on Twitter that the reason I left is because I had been filmed having sex with a dog. I have to say I found this hilarious to begin with that people would somehow arrive at that conclusion. The fact was somebody posted that I’m a ‘dog botherer’ in relation to me being a Huddersfield Town fan (the Terriers) and so the rumour began. The more the day went on the less funny it became. Suddenly people were taking this seriously and now copying the story to the police on twitter saying I should be investigated. Others stated they had seen the video themselves and that I was disgusting and should be arrested. People have no idea the reputational damage something like that can do, never mind the mental issues it can cause. Even at Headingley while watching Yorkshire v Notts in a T20 I was verbally abused in the stands which very nearly ended in a fight.
Whilst I didn’t have my own social media page at the time, I was reading threats against me, very serious threats, from animal rights people who were trying to find out my address. The evening ended up with police protection for me due to these threats being taken very seriously. The story trended worldwide that evening and since that day I have received abuse regarding what is ultimately a ridiculous story.

Days later a newspaper, The Sun, the bearer of all truths, made claims of an exclusive. They claimed I had been sacked by PGMOL for posting a video on Snapchat of me bullying a disabled person. Whilst I didn’t have a social media account, I do have Snapchat. Snapchat is something I can control and never put things on my story for all to see. I can choose who I send anything to as I’m sure you’re aware and I only had close friends and family on there. This did not constitute a social media account regarding my employment.

For the next few months I was destroyed in the media and on social media. I chose not to comment on the stories which would ultimately give the tabloids what they wanted, the exclusive. What I experienced over the next few months was how devastating the British press can be and just how easily they are prepared to make up lies. For example, it was reported that I had split with my wife for my new Norwegian ‘blonde bombshell’ who was a former singer in a band called the Wizards of Oslo. She had tried to make it big on YouTube but had failed according to the paper. The truth? She was never in a band. She has never posted a single video of herself singing anything on YouTube...she’s a nurse on the infectious medicine ward at Ullevĺl Hospital in Oslo. I had split with my ex partner around 20 months prior to this story being published. The level of fake news and lies that they were prepared to go to was astounding.

So what is the truth?

The truth is that part of that story produced by the media is true. I’m not proud of myself for this next bit and I have to live with this for the rest of my life. It destroyed my career, my reputation and caused immeasurable damage to my family life that I won’t go into.

I’d like to start by stating that my dad, Harry, who passed away from cancer in 2011, was physically disabled for my whole life. I know more than most the difficulties of living with disability. My mum had to resign from her job as a nurse to care for him at home and as a result we were a family that relied on benefits. We lived in a council house in Ossett, West Yorkshire and lived absolutely on the breadline as my parents struggled but succeeded in giving my brother and myself a very happy upbringing.

The above story is not designed to create sympathy for me. I’m aware that many families have stories that are much worse than my own. However the fact my dad was disabled places the fact that I have been labelled as discriminatory somewhat into context.

I attended a sports day for my daughter. In the years prior to that years event I had joked with parents about not taking part in a parents race...claims back at me that I was scared of losing. All good banter. A few months prior to this a former referee, Mark Halsey, had written a newspaper article saying I was making mistakes because I was too fat. The full page and headline of ‘Blobby Bobby’ may seem funny to some but trust me being fat shamed in a national newspaper is not a nice feeling.

As I sat in my car with my phone in hand a person walked past my car in front of me who had a walking impairment. The next part I am ashamed of. I took a 6 second film, I said nothing. I did this in Snapchat which is where I take all of my films that I intend to save to my phone. On the video I wrote, “F**k me I have a chance of winning the parents race this year.” Out of context I accept this reads shamefully. I accept that. However my intention was that the joke was aimed at myself. Had I have sent this to anyone on Snapchat then I would accept the decision that later came as a result. I didn’t do that though. I saved it to my phone. I sent it as a private text to somebody who I trusted, somebody who had been a huge part of my life for the previous 10 years and who I was on reasonable terms with. Somebody who understood the context of previous sports day comments and was aware of the fat shaming I had received.
I regret taking the video, I regret sending that video and whilst it was a dark humoured joke it was just that. A joke. It was not intended to shame anyone, it was not intended to be seen by anyone other than the person I sent it privately to in a text message on my own personal phone (not a work phone).

A few weeks later I had an argument with the same person regarding a family issue at which point I was threatened for the first time regarding this video with the comment “what would your boss say if it ended up on his desk”.
At the time of this chat I was in Norway. I had driven there in order to collect my partners belongings as she was moving to England with me a few days later. On the way back to England a few days later,around Hamburg in fact, I received a phone call from my manager. An anonymous package had been received regarding me and could I meet with them before I went away on holiday (I was going to Greece for a week the week after). I agreed to meet in London on my way home, a meeting I was absolutely under the impression was a casual informal chat and hadn’t been told what I was actually there to discuss, just that it related to me and that it needed clearing up before I go away. I stayed in Holland that evening and drove straight to London the next morning. On entering the room in was clear that it was not the casual meeting I was led to believe I was going in for. HR were present along with a laptop on the table. My employers had received a USB and an anonymous letter saying I had sent this video. It was turned to face me and I was asked if I sent this. I admitted it immediately. I never once at any stage sought to deny or even to excuse it. I told them who I sent it to and that it was one private text message on my own phone and explained the context.
Two weeks later, I attended a formal disciplinary hearing in which I produced a statement from that person who had received the text message stating that it would not be sent to press and that it was only intended to embarrass me. I felt I would be given a stern warning and some level of written warning maybe even a final written warning. This was echoed by the union representative who felt the case, whilst not showing me in the best light, was clearly a private joke with someone I trusted and given the fact my own dad was disabled and the fact that I produced evidence that I do work for disabled children’s charities in my own time would be taken into account. It wasn’t. I was dismissed with immediate effect for gross misconduct on grounds of discrimination. At that point my world fell apart. I was not offered the opportunity to attend discrimination training and be put on a warning, sonething that whilst I know I am 100% aware of what discrimination is, would show my employer that I would be willing to engage in this. It was denied. Whilst I absolutely understand the importance of an employer taking discrimination seriously as they did,  the decision to this day still stuns me. The same week as that a politician referred to Muslim women as letterboxes and made no apology. That man now leads the country as PM. Whilst my actions were badly misjudged, it was a joke. A private joke. Something that I am certain pretty much everyone reading this has done with friends/partners in the privacy of their relationships and with no expectation that that person would ever allow that to be used to end their professional career.

I started refereeing at 16, my career was over at 32. I had my dream job, a well paid and incredibly enjoyable job that I loved every single minute of. The footballs and medals are now all I have to remember those years of dedication and hard work. I now have Twitter, I try to help young referees where possible, offering advice on their own blossoming refereeing careers. I stand proud on there to support the fight against racism and to support all within the LGBT community both inside and outside of football. I am far from a discriminatory person and yet that is what I am labelled as when you google my name. That hurts. The last 18 months have been mental torture for me and but for those close friends and family around me, as well as a strong partner, I dread to think what could have become.

I feel now is the time to try to move forward. To put the past behind me and to rebuild both my reputation and my life as a whole. I still struggle to sleep, I still suffer mentally day to day to try to find the person I am now rather than clinging to the person I once was.

Hopefully 2020 will be the start of the new me. I am not proud of that video and as I said I have to live with that for the rest of my life. In context, it was a 6 second video, a dark private joke that cost me my career. I will never be able to accept that the decision taken was either necessary nor was it proportionate to the act. I can’t change that now. The irony is that I have spent the last 18 months defending my former colleagues, being supportive of the company regarding the implementation of VAR and have sought to throw nobody under the bus, either the person I sent it to nor my former employer. I am proud that I have kept my dignity and integrity and hopefully I can move forward on and off the pitch and learn from my own mistakes, maybe I can use that to help others and make sure they don’t make the same mistake I did that lost me everything.

Please don’t think bad of me. I’m a human being who made one mistake, one that many many people have done themselves and not lost everything for. Again, I have to pick those pieces up.

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bmb

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Re: Bobby Madley interview
« Reply #1 on: Tue 31 Dec 2019 17:57 »
The link to the blog is here: https://therefereesword.blogspot.com/2019/12/time-to-move-on.html?m=1

Bobby mentioning it on twitter: https://twitter.com/BobbyMadley2/status/1212032963443122176


Very brave, honest & open piece of writing for him. I hope that now he has put it out there he will be able to draw a line under it, get a good night's sleep and wake up tomorrow with peace in his heart & mind, ready to start the next chapter in his life.

Any of you youngsters on here reading this - please also take this as a lesson. I'm pretty sure he would want you to learn from it.  Be very aware of everything you put on social media, be very careful who you trust. It's a sad day in this age of social media that you can't share a joke (however bad, inappropriate or dark it might be) with a so called trusted friend just to have them turn around and use it to utterly destroy you. When I was a kid, that would be the sort of stupidity you'd utter over a pint in a pub, no mobile phones and cameras recording your every breath back then.  All to easy for people to betray you these days.

Hajrá Lilák. Csak a Kispest. Hajrá Magyarok! Hajrá játékvezetői csapat! Soha ne add fel. Nincs sárga kérem!!! No Chris Kavanagh doesn't live in Ashton or even in the Greater Manchester area!!
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rustyref

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Re: Bobby Madley interview
« Reply #2 on: Tue 31 Dec 2019 18:01 »
That's a very honest and open account and I suspect he has wanted to get that out in the open for a long time.  I've met Bobby a couple of times and he comes across as a genuinely nice guy, of course as he says he shouldn't have done what he did and it just shows how a momentary lapse can have ever lasting consequences.
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BabyRef

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Re: Bobby Madley interview
« Reply #3 on: Tue 31 Dec 2019 18:07 »
Cannot believe he was sacked for that!
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Readingfan

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Re: Bobby Madley interview
« Reply #4 on: Tue 31 Dec 2019 18:25 »
A very honest account.

I think it is difficult to comment too much on the disciplinary action taken. As we have seen, context is very important. Had referees been warned against sending/posting things previously? Was it a first offence? What were the considerations the company took in reaching the decision?

As BMB says, it is ultimately a message to be very careful about what you say/do/post, even if your private life,because you never know where it might end up or how it might be interpreted.

I wish Bobby the best in rebuilding his life after what has clearly been a difficult period.

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Whistleblower

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Re: Bobby Madley interview
« Reply #5 on: Tue 31 Dec 2019 19:25 »
It's a very honest account and I suspect something quite cathartic for him to have put the facts in the public domain. What he did with filming the disabled person was crass and stupid. I draw these conclusions.

Shibboleths and totems change and if you are deemed to have transgressed current orthodoxies then the price you pay is indeed huge and very far reaching and perhaps, perhaps, seems disproportionate. If it were a first misdemeanour of this kind I would have expected a warning, a suspension and some mandatory Equality and Disability Awareness training. One would need to see his Contract as to whether such an eventuality was spelled out in the case of such a transgression.

Trust no-one with information or comments you wouldn't want broadcast on the 6 o clock News. Vengefulness is a pretty base human emotion and professionally I have seen the result, first hand, of such score settling when relationships break down.

Social media is a very, very dangerous tool. I avoid it like the proverbial plague. An honorable exception is RTR of course which is brilliantly moderated. Does this count as social media? Forgive my ignorance of definitions of popular culture.

I am grateful that I have never achieved celebrity status in my chosen field. It might massage the ego for a bit but it is a terrible burden to carry.


I am sure Madley needs no convincing as to his foolishness. He has paid the highest of prices for it. I wish him well in his future life and hope it is not blighted by regrets but rather marked by new achievements.

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Readingfan

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Re: Bobby Madley interview
« Reply #6 on: Tue 31 Dec 2019 19:40 »
Excellent post Whistleblower (an unfortunate name in the circumstances?!)

I also wonder, in passing, what impact this has had on Andy Madley and if there might be extra scrutiny on him as he prepares to referee Watford V Wolves tomorrow. I'm sure that Bobby has been delighted to see him promoted to both the PL and FIFA list this year.
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bmb

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Re: Bobby Madley interview
« Reply #7 on: Tue 31 Dec 2019 20:09 »
Excellent post Whistleblower (an unfortunate name in the circumstances?!)

I also wonder, in passing, what impact this has had on Andy Madley and if there might be extra scrutiny on him as he prepares to referee Watford V Wolves tomorrow. I'm sure that Bobby has been delighted to see him promoted to both the PL and FIFA list this year.

Must be very bitter sweet for him.  On the one hand very proud of his brother and supportive of his achievements but it's also a daily reminder of what he lost/had taken away from him by a (imo) nasty individual. That must be very tough to balance that one out.
Hajrá Lilák. Csak a Kispest. Hajrá Magyarok! Hajrá játékvezetői csapat! Soha ne add fel. Nincs sárga kérem!!! No Chris Kavanagh doesn't live in Ashton or even in the Greater Manchester area!!
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TVOS

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Re: Bobby Madley interview
« Reply #8 on: Tue 31 Dec 2019 20:24 »
A sad aspect of all this is that the ‘friend’ in question appears to be a refereeing colleague, unless I’ve misunderstood what he’s written.
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bmb

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Re: Bobby Madley interview
« Reply #9 on: Tue 31 Dec 2019 20:44 »
Social media is a very, very dangerous tool. I avoid it like the proverbial plague. An honorable exception is RTR of course which is brilliantly moderated. Does this count as social media? Forgive my ignorance of definitions of popular culture.

I am grateful that I have never achieved celebrity status in my chosen field. It might massage the ego for a bit but it is a terrible burden to carry.

I'm not sure we count as social media as such although we admin (certainly in the case of both Ben & I as site owners anyway) have been dragged into and along to more than our fair share of court cases and disciplinary hearings along the way due to something someone has said on here!  Not nice sitting in a room at FA ivory Towers watching a young referee kicked out of an academy & sacked by their county due to a statement they have made made on here as I have unhappily been in the position of doing more than once, one lad was about 18, the other was about 15. We can be over cautious at times (or over zealous as said on here my way more than once!!!!) but we do so not only to protect our members but also the site itself. It is why we maintain our zero tolerance policy. We have built up a pretty good relationship now with the legal beagles from the ivory towers and quick action by the admin team has prevented court cases and disciplinary hearings. We don't always agree with requests to remove/edit/delete items but we have learned when to just comply & not argue the toss and when to get really bolshy back & invite legal action to remove stuff!! It might not always make sense to you guys but it does to us even if we have done so grudgingly and agree with a general view that think it's OTT petty! It's a fine balance. 

However whilst we are not social media per se, we are well known in varying ivory towers & even I get surprised sometimes by who reads the site/has it monitored or just manages to find out who has said what!  It is therefore always wise, especially to you young ones, to be careful what you say even on here. Bragging that a FIFA ref told you he's got a FIFA match in a weeks time & naming him & the match, against strict FIFA rules, just because you think it gets you kudos as 'you've spoken to a FIFA ref' can get you kicked out of an academy & sacked by your county FA & it doesn't actually impress the rest of us!

Maybe I digress there a bit and I have no wish to take anything away from Bobby and what he has been through but would like to add to the lesson he wants learned. I'm sure he won't mind that.

As for your 2nd point WB - I personally would hate the fame side of it.  I've cringed a few times before about referees I have met at a football match saying things such as "ah your are bmb aren't you?" before now, that was bad enough and that was just from people who read here, I can't even begin to think how horrendous it must be to be recognised whilst wandering around the local supermarket and some bright spark coming over to tell you that you're the worst ref ever just as you're shoving a cream donut or massive tub of ice cream into your trolley! Thank goodness I was never good enough to get above county level & trust me it wasn't because of me being mixed race or female but simply because I was not good enough - I was mediocre at best & accept that!!  ;D
Hajrá Lilák. Csak a Kispest. Hajrá Magyarok! Hajrá játékvezetői csapat! Soha ne add fel. Nincs sárga kérem!!! No Chris Kavanagh doesn't live in Ashton or even in the Greater Manchester area!!
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bmb

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Re: Bobby Madley interview
« Reply #10 on: Tue 31 Dec 2019 20:46 »
A sad aspect of all this is that the ‘friend’ in question appears to be a refereeing colleague, unless I’ve misunderstood what he’s written.

I read it exactly the same way.
Hajrá Lilák. Csak a Kispest. Hajrá Magyarok! Hajrá játékvezetői csapat! Soha ne add fel. Nincs sárga kérem!!! No Chris Kavanagh doesn't live in Ashton or even in the Greater Manchester area!!
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Readingfan

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Re: Bobby Madley interview
« Reply #11 on: Tue 31 Dec 2019 23:20 »
A sad aspect of all this is that the ‘friend’ in question appears to be a refereeing colleague, unless I’ve misunderstood what he’s written.

I read it exactly the same way.

I'm not necessarily reading that myself?

It sounds like there was an argument with said person over a family matter and that person then threatened to send it to 'your boss'. You'd have thought if it was someone in refereeing they themselves might get into trouble for sending it anonymously to embarrass someone (depending if they were still refereeing of course and who's to say that didn't happen.)
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Tim Wills

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Re: Bobby Madley interview
« Reply #12 on: Wed 01 Jan 2020 04:31 »
It's a really difficult situation not just for Bobby but also for his employers. I suspect the PGMOL probably did want to give Bobby just a warning but were concerned the video could have ended up in the media who would spun the story for all it's worth. It would have been an even bigger issue had the PGMOL simply given him a ticking off as the Press would then of have 2 targets to throw mud at. As BMB says, it's a salutary warning of what can happen for a momentary lapse of judgement.  :(
« Last Edit: Wed 01 Jan 2020 06:42 by Tim Wills »
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reflector

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Re: Bobby Madley interview
« Reply #13 on: Wed 01 Jan 2020 09:26 »
I am sure we have all done things of which we are not proud and regret later but, somehow, I don't really  have much sympathy for Bobby Madley over this.  It was an act of crass stupidity which certainly years ago might not even have raised an eyebrow but we have moved on now and surely someone in his 30's holding down a high profile job which puts him in the public eye should have sufficient common sense to know that such behaviour is unacceptable.  An employer might be prepared to take a more lenient view if it were committed by an immature teenager but this was a Select Group FIFA referee near the top of his profession, for whom any indiscretions would inevitably court adverse publicity, not only for himself but for his colleagues both professional and amateur and indeed the game as a whole.  It might also cross their mind that if someone can commit such an indiscretion without any thought for its possible consequences, what else might he be capable of and what does it say to the many hundreds and thousands of referees, some younger and more impressionable, to whom he should be setting an example.

I am sorry that he has had to learn the hard way and that it has cost him dearly but I hope he can now concentrate on getting on with his life in whatever he chooses to do.  Who knows, he may even become prime minister, in which office the rules about what we can and cannot say about matters of discrimination, whether race, gender or disability, no longer seem to apply!

 
« Last Edit: Wed 01 Jan 2020 09:32 by reflector »
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bmb

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Re: Bobby Madley interview
« Reply #14 on: Wed 01 Jan 2020 12:49 »
Im disabled myself Reflector and I have to say I'm not insulted by what he did because it was self depreciation not an attack on someone else. I have a back injury from 1997 that has seen a major degeneration of my spine, particularly over the last 10 years where I have now all but lost my mobility altogether. I can no longer even stand up unaided. Walking I have my little old granny frame (as I call it) with wheels and seriously a snail could make it the whole way around a football pitch in the time it would take me to shuffle from the tech area to the byline, I understand self depreciation because I do it all the time. I have one particular friend who will often give me a lift when I need to go anywhere, he's 78. Every single time he comes round to pick me up he puts the kettle on & tells me to get going to the car & he'll give me a cuppa head start, I laugh and leave him to his cuppa while I shuffle off to the car, he's not actually beaten me to the car yet but I never have to wait long! It is a joke between us, he's not discriminating against me because I am disabled. As a pensioner he no longer works but I'd never dream of saying to his boss if he had one that he was behaving in a discriminatory manner especially over a long standing self deprecating joke. Trust me in 6 secs of video of me you'd have a hard time ascertaining if I was walking or just standing - I'd not move a whole lot in that short a time!

This explanation around the context, a suspension and 'appropriate training' would have, imo, been accepted by the majority 18 months ago, it was stupid yes but in the day and age where our Prime Minister and other politicians say far worse things on an almost daily basis, often with malice, and no-one seems to bat an eye about it I feel the punishment far outweighed the crime.

It does however remain a lesson as to how quick you can lose everything you have worked for & I'm glad that Bobby has decided to use it to advise & show younger referees just how careful you need to be.
« Last Edit: Wed 01 Jan 2020 13:53 by bmb »
Hajrá Lilák. Csak a Kispest. Hajrá Magyarok! Hajrá játékvezetői csapat! Soha ne add fel. Nincs sárga kérem!!! No Chris Kavanagh doesn't live in Ashton or even in the Greater Manchester area!!
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